Meeting in the City Of London in a suitably sleasy city boy pub opposite the Bank Of England, the Space Hijackers arrived dressed in our cricket whites, determined to show these ruffians a thing or two about gentlemanly behaviour.
Cricket is a gentlemanly game, completely at odds with the day to day lives of those working in the City Of London. In cricket, money is not everything (we play in whites with no ghastly logo's), good manners and honour are respected, selfishness is frowned upon. We have long believed that cricket is a game to sort the men from the gentlemen, the women from the ladies. Therefore we decided to venture into the heart of the Capitalist beast and challenge the inhabitants to show us some moral fibre. Taking them on at a game of cricket and much much more.
The Space Hijackers Vs The Capitalists
Our plan was to drink until closing time at the pub, and then challenge the suits to a match across the road at midnight.
Turning up one by one, dressed in our whites, our cricket team slipped past the door of the pub, slowly becoming more and more of a presence within a sea of pinstripe.
At first a few inebriated city workers would ask us what we were up to and why we were in the city dressed in full whites. Gradually as more drinks flowed we were in full conversation with the city types trying to challenge them to a match.
Some had more success than others, whilst various agents were being knocked back on requests, our resident Space Hijacker porn star was parading around the pub with a pair of lacy knickers on his head, handed over by an eager temp! (This is completely true!)
Eventually by closing time we had amassed quite an opposition of bankers, temps, traders and other flotsum and jetsum from the monetary world.
Setting up our stumps in a pedestrian alley a stones throw from the Bank Of England, our gallant cricketers started the match. First to bat were the Capitalists, always eager for the immediate glory. However with agents Litost and Bristly Pioneer on bowling duty their first wicket soon fell.
A good innings were however made by a few suited fellows and ladies, with several sixes and fours being whacked to the boundary.
However unfortunately the true character of the Capitalists was not long in rearing it's ugly head. About an hour into the match and several city boys living in a moral vacuum decided it would be fun to steal a load of our cricket equipment. Jumping into a cab with a helmet, pads and gloves.
I guess it is hard to expect any morals from people whose entire life is dedicated to making money regardless of the impact on anything else. Financial gain, it seems, is the one overriding concern of todays city workers.
Had there been an umpire the Capitalist would have been disqualified from the match, however we decided to give them a thorough thrashing instead!
After a quick stock take the batting was re-opened and the Capitalists were soon all bowled or caught out.
|Now it was our turn to bat, and bat we did. Like a well oiled machine our ladies and gents racked up the runs.|
Unfortunately it seems that the Capitalists had another devious tactic up their dirty sleeves. Their own private band of heavies, otherwise known as City Of London Police force.
This kind hearted gentleman explained to us that we had to leave or he would arrest us all (by this point the city boys had scarpered). When questioned as to what we had done, his explination was simple.
"The City Of London Police gets paid a lot of money by these companies, and therfore we will do what they want, even if they haven't asked us to yet. Leave the City or you can all spend a night in the cells".
A dastardly trick pulled by the Capitalists, and one we are sure is not in the MCC official Cricket Rule book.
Time for a quick refreshment in a late night East London bar we thought. Time was now knocking on, however it was not yet daylight and so after rounding up a few more eager cricketers a second innings was called for.
On the border of the City stands Altab Ali park in Whitechapel. Here our gallant, and by this time rather innebriated team, made a final stand. The match finally concluded about 4am, just after international porn star Russ Vandeberg streaked across the pitch!
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